No Holds Barred

And the award for most grunting and screaming in a single movie goes to…

Jun 28, 2024

PRE-GAME 💪

Welcome back to Balls on Film! 👋🏻

I hope everyone has had a good week. I’m feeling better this week, after being a little under the weather. My wife and I are celebrating our 17 year anniversary this week, and we decided to escape to a lovely little lodge here in Scotland for a couple of days. Getting to double-digit milestones certainly makes you feel old, but also very grateful. It genuinely feels like just yesterday when we got married. Everything really does go by in the blink of an eye as you get older.

Here’s a photo of our place for the next few days:

Scotland really is beautiful, and even as someone who’s lived here for 40 years, there’s still so much of it I’ve not seen. I could definitely get used to having a bathtub right next to my bed all the time. Maybe one day…!

Is there a better way to celebrate being together for 17 years than watching Hulk Hogan make a grown man shit his pants, and grunt and flex his way to superstardom over the course of 90 minutes? Let’s find out…

FIRST HALF 💪

Let’s just get this out of the way: No Holds Barred is a terrible movie. It’s one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever watched. Rumour has it that Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan checked themselves into a hotel room and stayed awake for 72 hours rewriting the whole script, after being so unhappy with an initial first draft. It shows. Pretty much everything about it is bad, yet I still found myself morbidly entertained by the whole thing. It’s so bad, that I just couldn’t look away.

If you’re unfamiliar with the plot, it’s about Rip Thomas (Hulk Hogan), a popular pro wrestler who is known for his integrity and being an all-around good guy. He’s also so popular that he’s apparently putting other television networks out of business, because when he’s on tv, nobody is watching anything else. This angers Brell, the ruthless exec of the rival World Television Network. Brell is desperate to boost his network’s ratings and attempts to convince Rip to jump ship. As his two lackeys tell him though, Rip has too much integrity to jump ship and turn his back on his current employer.

When Rip refuses his blank cheque offer, Brell becomes infuriated and plots to destroy Rip’s reputation and career. He creates a new, violent competition called ‘Battle of the Tough Guys’ (yes, that’s really the name) featuring no-rules wrestling matches. The star of this new competition is Zeus, a monstrous fighter who Brell hopes will lure Rip into the ring for a ratings-winning battle.

Zeus challenges Rip on live television, which leads to a series of escalating confrontations on the path to a showdown between the two men.

This whole movie plays out like a bad trip from start to finish. Watching now in 2024, when so many professional wrestlers have been able to transition to successful Hollywood careers, it’s quite impressive how bad Hogan is. For being the biggest name in the sport at the time, he is completely flat as an actor. His line delivery is terrible, and he spends much of his screen time posing, smirking and maniacally laughing to himself like he’s cutting a promo in the ring. There’s a few moments where he attempts to show some range, such as shedding a tear when his nephew is hospitalised by Zeus, and it goes about as well as you could imagine. It’s quite a sight to behold indeed. He plods his way through the film like a giant man-baby, and watching him perform even basic tasks like getting ready for bed or making small talk with others is highly comical.

We also need to talk about classic 80’s movie bad guy actor Kurt Fuller, who plays Brell. I can only imagine that Fuller knew the film was going to be an absolute disaster from the start and just decided to have as much fun as possible with the performance. The character is written so villainously and over-the-top, and Fuller just brings the energy to match it. You also have to wonder how much of this character was Vince McMahon just writing himself into the film. You’d be forgiven for thinking that his character is actually some kind of crime boss as opposed to the head of a television network. Not only does he try to have Rip killed by a bunch of goons after his offer is turned down (a scene in which Rip makes a grown man shit his pants with fear), he also tries to have his own employee (played by Joan Severance) sexually assaulted after she declines his request to seduce and betray Rip. He constantly flips out at his staff and smashes up his own office when he doesn’t get his way. Seriously, I’ve seen Batman go up against less heinous villains than this guy. As ridiculous as the character is, Fuller certainly gives it his all with the most memorable performance in the film.

It’s tough to properly review a film like this because it’s just so downright bizarre. I remember watching as a kid, and thinking it was a masterpiece. I was even more impressed that the WWE actually built a real wrestling event around the film, and had Zeus come in to wrestle Hogan in real life.

Watching now though, I spent most of the running time in utter bewilderment. Providing you with my notes on the film, which I scribbled down as I watched, actually seems like the best way to review this one.

Here goes:

Why wasn’t Hulk Hogan just playing himself? What’s the point in the Rip character? He is essentially the exact same as Hogan’s real-life wrestling counterpart. Instead of wearing yellow, Rip wears blue. Instead of Hogan’s signature bow & arrow pose, Rip breaks out some kind of weird not-quite rock & roll hand sign. Aside from that, he’s just Hulk Hogan with a different name. If you’re trying to use this film to propel Hogan’s Hollywood career and make him an even bigger name, JUST MAKE HIM HULK HOGAN!
This movie features more grunting and screaming than any other I’ve ever seen. Seriously, there’s whole entire scenes that just consist of Zeus screaming into the air as he beats up drunks at the local bar.
The limo destruction scene, where Rip makes one of Brell’s thugs shit his pants, is probably the film’s most memorable scene but also one of the worst lines of dialogue ever in film. So bad, it’s good. I’ve included it here, as an extra treat.“DOOOOO-KIE!”

The fact that the rival wrestling competition Brell dreams up to win back the ratings is called ‘The Tough Guy Competition’ should tell you all you need to know about the script. I mean, that was the best thing McMahon and Hogan could come up with when they spent 72 hours writing this thing?
Speaking of which, is pro-wrestling supposed to be real in this world? They talk about Hogan as if he’s battled his way to the top like it’s boxing or the UFC, and like he’s this big tough guy. When he and Zeus fight, it’s portrayed as a very real battle that will only end when one of them can no longer continue.
Some of Rip’s wardrobe choices in this are…interesting, to say the least. There’s one scene early in the movie where he just arrives at a business meeting in full wrestling attire and nobody bats an eye.
The whole Rip vs. Brell rivalry is built around the fact that Rip is such a big name, he’s putting all other TV networks out of business. But later, Rip is simply allowed to go fight Zeus on Brell’s rival network. Would this not violate the terms of his existing contract?
There’s actually a scene where Rip’s love interest, Samantha (Joan Severance) wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks that he’s masturbating next to her in the hotel room they’re hiding out in. It’s okay though, because he’s actually just oiled himself up and is doing pushups in the corner. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Completely normal behaviour.
To show what a good guy Rip is, the film treats us to a scene where he saves a local diner from being robbed by a couple of criminals. In the process, he causes so much property damage that they’d have been financially better off just letting the two thugs take the money from the cash register. Not only does he absolutely destroy the place fighting off the robbers, everyone cheers him on for the effort. At this point, I was starting to wonder if this film was set in some kind of alternate reality - and wondering what kind of substance-fuelled bender Hogan and McMahon could have possibly been on in that hotel room when they wrote it.
I love that the audience at the fight between Rip and Zeus witness two different people seemingly being killed right in front of their eyes, and THEY JUST APPLAUD and cheer with joy. It really is the perfect way to end this completely bizarre spectacle of a movie.

No Holds Barred is pure 80s schlock. The film makes no sense, and was clearly created with the sole purpose of making Hogan a Hollywood star. Vince McMahon may have been a great wresting promoter back in the day, but he was clearly out of his depth as a movie producer. Hogan would go on to star in Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny, so I guess it’s up to you whether you think this film succeeded in its purpose or not.

This is a terrible film, but I’d probably recommend putting it on with a bunch of friends and plenty of alcohol for a fun time. Just don’t take a shot every time someone screams and grunts, or you may not survive the 90 minutes.

HALFTIME 💪

Let’s take a break for halftime. Grab some refreshments and settle in for the second half.

After reviewing The Sandlot last week, this popped up when scrolling eBay, and I took it as a sign. I’m not a huge collector of these things, but I do like picking them up to display in my office when it’s related to something that’s meaningful to me. Since The Sandlot is one of my favourite movies, I couldn’t not buy it.

The Bear is back for its third season this week, and rightfully is taking a lot of the tv recommendation spotlight across social media. There’s not much more than can be written about how incredible that show is, so I thought I’d highlight something else I’ve been watching recently - Dark Matter. Yes, another show on Apple TV+. Maybe I should start a second Apple TV Substack, if they continue to produce all of this amazing content! 😆

Dark Matter reached its thrilling conclusion this week, and the finale literally had me on the edge of my seat. Based on the novel by Blake Crouch, the show explores the theme of the road not taken. It centers on Jason Dessen (Joel Edgerton), a physicist and college professor. One night, while walking home in Chicago, he is kidnapped into an alternate version of his life. His initial confusion soon turns into a nightmare as he struggles to return to his original reality amidst a maze of possible lives. In this intricate web of realities, Jason faces a daunting journey to reunite with his family and confront the toughest adversary imaginable: himself.

Dark Matter is a book that had been on my TBR pile for the longest time, and I kept putting it off. I’m actually glad that I didn’t read it now, because this show has been one of my favourites of 2024, and a big part of that is due to how thrilling and tense it is, and me having no idea where it was all going. It’s such a wildly creative show, and the ways in which it plays with the exploration of alternate realities is so much fun. Highest possible recommendation from me!

Watch Dark Matter on Apple TV+.

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Okay, let’s get back to the ring…I guess.

SECOND HALF 💪

Let’s jump into some awards and bonus content.

BEST SCENE 🏆

I guess it has to go to the limo destruction scene that I highlighted above. It’s completely ridiculous, but provides one of the movie’s funniest moments.

BEST LINE 🏆

Rip Thomas: What's that SMELL?
Limo Driver: Dooo... dooo... doookie!
Rip Thomas: [disgusted] "Dookie"?

MVP AWARD 🏆

Eh, do I really have to give this one out? I guess it would need to go to Kurt Fuller, for really leaning into the villain role and giving it his all, despite likely knowing full well the movie was an absolute turkey.

IMDB TRIVIA HIGHLIGHT 🏆

It really was No Holds Barred on set, it seems! During filming, there were a few accidents on the set: Hulk Hogan accidentally broke Zeus's nose, and on another occasion cut his hand open on the glass shards from broken mirrors.

BEST LETTERBOXD REVIEW 🏆

My thoughts exactly, Jordan!

BEST AMAZON REVIEW 🏆

I love that this is the top, and most helpful review on Amazon for this movie.

BONUS FEATURE 💿

The WWE put out this look-back at the film that features wrestling stars talking about the movie and its impact on them. It would have been nice to see some of the actors involved in the film here, but there’s a good chance they’ve all tried to erase it from memory.

At least they’re not all being forced to pretend that it’s some kind of 80s classic, I guess. That seems like something Vince McMahon would have done.

POST-GAME 💪

So many of you have been recommending Challengers over the past week. I’ve not had a chance to see it yet, but since it’s a relatively new release, I thought it would be fun to make it the next review. So that’s next week! As always, please leave your thoughts on No Holds Barred below, or anything else sports movie-related. If you’ve already watched, or are planning to watch Challengers too, please join in next week!

Be sure to also let me know what you’d like to see me review in future, as well as what you’re currently watching. I want to ultimately watch as many sports movies as possible, but I’m happy to take any suggestions for what should be up next.

See you next week.

~James